People-Pleasing: Not as Kind as We Think

I used to say with pride, "I'm such a people-pleaser," excusing myself for being kind to a fault. And I used to think I was honest until I discovered that people-pleasing is a form of dishonesty.

Who? Me?! Never. I was shocked.

What's really going on with people-pleasing? We do things we don't want to do, and we say what we think people want to hear so they will receive the information in a favorable way to us. We do this to avoid confrontation and unpleasant feelings. So, we present half-truths – leaving out details – to try to control a response.

The problem is no one really knows how another person will respond and what's good for them or yourself, so guessing is futile.

The bottom line is that people-pleasing comes from a place of fear, not kindness.

Not only is people-pleasing dishonest, but it's also disrespectful. By withholding information or painting it in a different light, we don't allow a person to make an informed decision on which to base their response. And when the full truth comes out, people feel hurt that they were lied to, whether it was intentional or not.

Most people-pleasers aren't aware they are lying. I wasn't. The realization was a pretty big blow. It rocked my world because it made me question who I really am and how I've been treating people. It was the catalyst for a change in my behavior.

How do we change our people-pleasing ways? For me, reflecting on times I did it and a general awareness about it helped me see where it could potentially creep in. Implementing a 24-hour rule to give me time to think about how I wanted to deal with something was also very helpful. I would spot situations where "old me would probably do [fill in the blank]," and in moments of indecision, I'd ask my higher power for help. I also pray on the principle of honesty each morning to keep me on track. "May I be truthful and honest no matter what I think people want to hear."

Presenting the truth can be uncomfortable because you have no control over the outcome. But I've learned it's far better to lead from a place of respect than fear. And really, it's about problem-solving. So, if you present it in a way that invites the other person to help, the process is much more collaborative.

It takes courage for a reformed people-pleaser to tell the truth, no matter what. But the more you practice, the easier it gets. It really is about how you lead. You can start with phrases that prepare people, softening the blow, while freeing yourself with more honesty. An opening could be, "I'm not sure you're going to like what I have to say, but I want to be honest with you." I like this one because you are making yourself a little vulnerable in expressing your fear (which tends to illicit empathy from others) and at the same time showing respect. It also gives someone a few seconds to prepare for the news, making them more receptive. Notice I just said "news" not "not great news," because we have to let go of the idea that we can predict how someone will react to what we say.

Have faith that telling the truth might remedy the situation. Some pleasant surprises I've experienced are the solving of someone else's problem and it not even being a big deal at all. Most of the time, what are big deals to us are not to other people, who have their own stuff going on.

Another thing I've learned in my own people-pleasing is a tendency to project my assumptions unto others. So, that is an additional principle I pray on. Rather than placing expectations on others, seek to understand.

Once I saw people-pleasing as a form of dishonesty coming from a place of fear and honesty as a form of respect coming from a place of love, my interactions with people changed. I changed. My values changed.

I appreciate when people are direct and honest with me, even if it's hard to hear, because it is truly what I need to hear, which reminds me. When someone has the courage to be honest with me, I really should remember to say thank you.